Sometimes I tell this story on management training courses when we are discussing the importance of active listening for managing difficult interpersonal relationships.
Here is the context to my story: a few years ago my husband, son and I became primary care givers to our little grandson, Felix, who is a handsome little boy who has Down syndrome. Felix ‘s speech development was severely delayed, so he communicated mainly in sign language.
A couple of us were invited to attend the Hanen program, a training course delivered over several weeks and designed for families such as ours who were supporting a young child with severe communication difficulties. As part of our training we were visited at home and vide-recorded interacting with the child.
Melanie, the Hanen program leader, arrived one morning to video-record me interacting with Felix. Earlier that day Felix and I had been working on making the “moo” sound of a cow, and so I thought it logical to continue. When I saw the video play back I was horrified to see myself relentlessly pursuing the cow-mooing agenda and all the while this dear little boy was moving a toy car up and down the wall with a barely audible, “Vroom, vroom”!
One of the key principles of the Hanen program is what we call OWL-ing:
O- observe
W- wait
L- listen
While I had been trying to persuade Felix to moo like a cow he had made his own verbal breakthrough in making the sound of a car. I learned a lot from this: often we are spinning in our own busy worlds of plans, hopes, agendas and pre-conceived notions. OWL-ing is a vital part of active listening, and the “ W-wait” step is crucial. It means taking the time – having the patience – to open up to the situation as it exists. It means creating a space by taking a pause from the baggage of previous plans or interactions so that we open up to seeing what is really happening in the moment.
Post by Anne Watkins, Principal Trainer
